A Past Life: Introduction

I am currently writing a series on my life from ages ten to nineteen. I just remember these years less sporadically and more clearly than I do the ones before.

I also have an irrational fear of forgetting everything because I already have such an issue dissociating and it gets worse each year, so I hoard memories by writing stuff down all the time.

This is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. For me, writing shit down is the most pristine way to process something. And I feel like my life has been a pretty fascinating one.

I don't mind spilling the tea, but I'd hate if anyone in my family read these, lol. I genuinely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and that's why I'm not ever making this public.

This is my perspective of my own life.

I want to document my past as best I can, even if no one gives a flying fuck, this feels healing for me. It reminds me to pay attention more in my present life, to make each moment count, because future me might write about that moment someday and you (I) want the story to be good. Make sense?

Someday I will write a book, maybe not about my life, or maybe something loosely based, or not about it at all.

I’ve been informed that my writing is chaotic. Well, that’s my brain, and I need an editor.

But for now, I am enjoying writing like I used to when I was younger, when it was my favorite thing to do. Also, reading through my really old stuff, most of which I can only skim because of how cringy it is, is so healing when I still resonate with it.

And that's what I'm always trying to do: heal.

Here is a poem by a spoken word group called Listener that I was a huge fan of when I was a kid. Hearing it for the first time was like a religious experience. The song brought me so much comfort after there had been so much drama, tension, and loss in my family.

Wooden Heart

by Listener

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living

And since that first breath, we’ll need grace that we’ve never given

Well, I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts

It's not only when these eyes are closed

These lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach

But they hold this ship together, tossed like leaves in this weather

My dreams are sails that I point towards my true north

Stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better

But it won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...

So I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship

To sail these blood red seas and find your coasts

Don’t let these waves wash away your hopes

This war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors

Pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, oh

I still believe in saviors

Because we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board

Washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores

So come on and let’s wash each other

With tears of joy and tears of grief

And fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

Come on and sew us together

Just some tattered rags stained forever

We only have what we remember

I am the barely-living son of a woman and man who barely made it

But we’re making it

Taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts

We all have the same holes in our hearts

Everything falls apart at the exact same time

It all comes together perfectly for the next step

But my fear is this prison that I keep locked below the main deck

I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden

And my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right

But they’re heavy and I’m awkward, I'm always running out of fight

So I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship

Hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks

But I am all made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam

Lost and found like you and me, all scattered out on the seas

So come on, let’s wash each other

With tears of joy and tears of grief

And fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

Come on and sew us together

We're just some tattered rags stained forever

We only have what we remember

My throat, it still tastes like house fire and salt water

I wear this tide like loose skin, come on and rock me to sea

If we hold on tight, we’ll hold each other together

And not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep

While these machines will rust, I promise

But we'll still be electric, shocking each other back to life

Your hand in mine, my fingers and your veins connected

Our bones grown together in time

Our hands entwined, and my fingers and your veins connected

Our spines grown stronger inside

'Cause I know that our church is all made out of shipwrecks

From every hull these rocks have claimed

But we pick ourselves up

And try and grow better through this change

So come on and let’s wash each other

With tears of joy and tears of grief

And fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach

Come on and sew us together

We're just some tattered rags stained forever

We only have what we remember