It’s Happening FOR You (Giddy Up)

For Isidora Dawn, my harvest queen, my resplendent bounty

The dawn of my hope, the return of my sanity

As the Year of the Snake sheds the last of its skin, the Year of the Horse saddles up to the celestial gate, ready to soar into this next era of global unification through peace.

When I started this blog the year of the Rabbit was drawing to a close and I had slowly just begun to lose my mind.

Recently I saw someone describe postpartum depression as “seeing the white rabbit” and it really clicked for me.

I knew something was wrong inside, but I thought it was strictly something outside of myself. On top of being a new mom, I had a found myself on an extremely vulnerable spiritual journey which I did not see coming. Because of that I experienced a pretty gnarly ego death that taught me so much in a very short amount of time, which felt overwhelming. As obsessed with ourselves as we are, having to come face to face with ourselves is rarely comfortable. Shadow work is cold and hard with little to no consideration for your feelings. And not a lot of people will understand your spiritual awakening, which makes the entire thing extremely lonely.

It is painful work but it is one-hundred percent worth the growth.

I was angry at God for allowing me to go through what I considered to be “too much” and I was not okay with being sober. “Okay, if you’re going to squash my soul like a grape, God, I am going to be SO high all the time.”

I knew that I needed to go through the cleansing, sobering process of pregnancy so that on the other side, I would have my sweet new child. Thanksgiving of 2024, my life long dream of having a daughter came true and my beautiful Isidora Dawn Taylor was conceived, our Izzie Busy, named after Saint Isidora, Fool for Christ.

Having her was the best decision I had made since having Isaac; bringing forth Isidora healed me from the inside out.

Born on 8/22/2025 at 2:01 pm<3

When I found out that God gave me my daughter, I understood what all the new pain was for. That is the alchemy of life: pain and toil beget gifts unimaginable. And when she was born all of heaven poured down for me, rewarding my toil. My pregnancy with Isidora was both physically and psychologically hard but it grew back my mental clarity week by week.

With each pregnancy there were songs I had on repeat that felt significant to me. For Isaac, it was Nothing’s Gonna Change my Love for You by George Benson.

For Izzie, it was Maggot Brain by George Clinton over and over and over again. (Note: two completely different vibes for each children)

It’s an instrumental guitar solo but at the beginning George Clinton says,

“Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time

for ya’ll have knocked her up

I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe

I was not offended

For I knew I had to rise above it all

Or drown in my own shit”

When I hear that, I imagine God is narrating, fed up with the confusion and evil in the universe, but He is determined to rise above it.

Something about that gave me strength and energy to carry on every day for a few months.

Pregnancy is wild and it truly is a psychedelic experience. When a flower is about to fruit, it turns its usually sun ward face to the ground and seems to wilt, its middle swelling to form the body of the fruit, and the petals turn into the stem. The plant seems to lose it’s color when it’s blossom disappears, but then the fruit is revealed young and green at first, then suddenly plump and vibrant in color.

In much the same way, a woman also begins to go inward as she grows the small being inside of her, her middle enlarging. Her once vigorous energy slowly withers away for a short time.

It’s obviously a painful process.

I seemed to notice more pain during this pregnancy with my daughter than with my son. I felt sicker; I wanted to crawl away and hide from the world.

I spent a lot of time thinking about the state of the world I was bringing my daughter into. With my son, I had no idea until after he was born. This time it felt like I was about to have a baby in actual Hades. I suffered from horrible guilt the closer I got to the due date.

Then I cried about it in the early hours of the morning nursing my newborn daughter in the soft light of a camping lantern.

But even so, that pregnancy was the best decision I could have ever made. I had heard of pregnancies healing the mother’s illnesses and cancer, I too wanted to be healed, but spiritually.

And I did heal.

I focused a lot on meditation and prayer. I played the role of the Observer a lot of the time, just calmly sensing the thoughts that float through the brain, not judging or identifying with any one of them.

I’ve done a lot more deep breathing this year than I ever have.

It felt like I was actively playing the part of La Loba, the Bone Woman, psychically willing the sinews of my bones back together while God formed my daughter’s bones inside my womb simultaneously.

Instead of the perceived hell I was afraid would greet Isidora at the end of her gestation, instead it felt like we were both transported instead into a heaven-like state.

This year had been about growing my daughter but also trying to figure out how to stay shining without scorching people. I still am not convinced that that is totally possible.

Someone told me within the last year that my energy is BIG. I automatically thought that must mean I can be a little obnoxious, difficult to swallow for most people.

How do you behave in a world that is visibly falling apart at the seams? How do you raise your children in this very confusing world?

I’ve begun to learn and practice staying connected to Love and keeping myself grounded in the knowledge that I am filled with love no matter what happens, I cannot be separated from love if God is love.

I realized that everything works within a cycle and I have to remind myself constantly that it’s all connected inside of the great wheel of things. I thought about that fact a lot while I was pregnant.

My mental breakdown the previous year had left me very rail-thin and unable to find my desire for food, which was making me very irritable and fog-headed. I was angry and manic and pretty damn confused, making a lot of people concerned for me.

I was completely convinced that my car collision Thanksgiving 2024 was because someone in my family I had offended recently had legitimately put a hex on me.

I brought a homeless person I barely knew into our home to stay for the indefinite future, picked fights with people, and acted wild on the internet. I learned about myself that I’m unable to exist on Facebook if I want to keep my sanity; it just makes me paranoid and depressed.

I no longer trust my surroundings, our water and food supply is poison, our very leaders sold their souls for material possessions.

Looking back I am in awe at how out of control I felt that whole previous year since becoming a mom. I didn’t understand that I was processing my brand new identity. And while I was fighting the inevitable demons that rise up after becoming a parent, I was also inevitably fighting my spouses demons.

Most of all, I was so incredibly angry with my country since October 7th, 2023, it was like my very own 9/11.

I began to deprogram that day; I saw the white rabbit and my postpartum depression began to slow boil me like a frog in a pot.

Now we are three months away from 2026 and life either does not feel real at all, or it is now the most real it’s ever felt. Everyone is quickly waking up to the reality of things.

And I’ve changed so much; not only have the silver strands in my hair doubled but my soul feels older, too.

Everything on our planet seems to be set entirely ablaze, but I keep my eyes up to the stars and my feet firmly planted on the floor. Everyday I try to do better than the last.

I know that fire cleanses, singes off the layers of old, rotten ideas that do nothing but harm our world and delay peace. I have to trust that the fire will do its job on all of us eventually.

I had been comfortably and willfully ignorant for so long and now I have brought two little human beings into this hellscape. The phrase “what have I done?” has spontaneously entered into my mind on several occasions after witnessing all the gore going on in Gaza via my phone, knowing that when I go to work I am paying for those bombs that are wiping out entire generations of families. The grief is indescribable.

But because I have watched a genocide happen on my phone I have been able to be completely deprogrammed from a lifetime of Zionist and Christian Nationalist propaganda. And then I had to learn how to continue a relationship with my Zionist parents who didn’t immediately seem willing or even able to do any unlearning. I wanted to shake them to wake them up to a dangerous reality they had been asleep to since before I was born, since before they were born! I suddenly found myself on the opposite side of the fence when it came to our entire identity as people. My parents aren’t perfect by any means but they never stop trying to be better spiritually. I know exactly why they hang on to those old beliefs about God and what Jesus truly taught. When humans face a spiritual fear sometimes they do odd things that don’t work or even make sense because of the unnatural systems we have allowed the ultra wealthy to uphold for centuries at this point.

As someone who never really cared a lot about politics before, I was now panicking as if I had been awakened from some lovely dream, tossed into a collective nightmare reality. The temptation to point my fingers in blame overtook me as I mourned my lost reality. I was clinging onto hope that this planet will eventually heal and my children won’t have to try and survive in a world like the one in Mad Max: Fury Road.

But then something incredible happened in November of this year: Zohran Mamdani, a Muslim Socialist was elected Mayor of New York City. He will be inaugurated the day I am releasing this blog post. May God bless him and protect him on his journey as he paves the way for socialism to finally, safely land in this country and help us create the world we have all been collectively dreaming of as children. Alhamdulillah! (All praises be to God)

I think many of us have held a little more hope in our hearts since he was elected.

His election gave so many of us a lot of hope that day.

TURN THE VOLUME UP, MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

But before Mamdani was elected, when my mental breakdown was in full swing, I just wanted someone to pull me aside, explain to me what I was going through and that I wasn’t alone.

Because I didn’t understand what I was going through, all I knew was that I felt like I was on top of the world while actually feeling super paralyzed and disconnected from everyone. And if you’re actually honest on those postpartum depression questionnaire things at the kids’ checkups, there’s this fear that someone will convince me to take a pill that will turn me into a zombie, just like the last time I was severely depressed at 21 and in a toxic relationship… Or that I will be made to pay a therapist who doesn’t know how to handle me, again.

I wanted someone to feel out the situation in the spirit and tell me what to do, not be all clinical as if we aren’t two people with souls. I sort of did find that through Tik Tok. It sounds silly but my algorithm really helped me in ways I can’t fully describe. I’ve learned so much about spirituality and psychology from some really interesting and brilliant strangers. I stopped talking so much and just started listening. I listened to the stories of people of different minorities and backgrounds.

For years something I’ve regularly listened to is the people on Soft White Underbelly: a YouTube Channel based out of California, focusing on the homeless population on Skid Row of downtown Los Angeles. If you want some perspective and a new lease on your life, listen to a few interviews on Soft White Underbelly. You might be sick to your stomach and have a harder time sleeping at night, but it’s something that has really helped connect me better to humanity and appreciate my own life better.

Around the springtime of this year was when I began to really think a lot about what I believe when it comes to the Abrahamic religions in particular. And I realized that I was holding on tooth and nail because Christianity had become the complete base of my entire identity since I was a very small child.

I had gone from being obsessed with the idea of being a Fool for Christ to questioning the entire idea of faith as a whole. During my breakdown, I had once fled to the only place that held spiritual solace for me since I was a child, the church. As an Orthodox Christian, I am required to look at the whole church as Christ.

But because the Orthodox church has pushed women so far out the door when it comes to actually serving in the church with any sort of official title of recognition, a young woman struggling with postpartum depression is not going to be met with understanding from a man. How can a man fully understand the womb when he doesn’t have one? How can a man guide and advise such a divinely massive job we must do, by building and carrying the people who live on this planet? The task is impossible for a man alone, especially a man in a strictly patriarchal religion.

That fact opened my eyes and smacked me right in the raw, oozing core of my ancient father wound.

Spirit seems to be choked out of religion when so much of what we do is sin because we are born wrong and must be punished. We are “born of our father the devil.” I remember hearing that Bible verse repeated so many times as a child. I couldn’t help but instantly imagine a chubby, red baby being born in a hospital to a jolly devil father watching. It was an intrusive thought I would instantly feel guilty for and ask for forgiveness in my heart.

You can plead to me how that Bible verse is taken out of context, but unless you can go back in time and tell the caretakers who often used that phrase to punish and shame children for hundreds of years, I don’t want to hear it. So much of the Bible has been used to abuse, dominate, and murder.

And because of this deeply rooted shame we carry from our very first moments, no wonder we grow up struggling to accept the very skin we have no choice but to exist in.

I grew up hearing how wrong I was fundamentally. I think the majority of people do, even when they’re not raised as a Christian in the west. Now that I am a parent and I know that if I tell my child that he was born of his father the devil and then repeatedly beat him over his earliest ignorant fumbles, I shouldn’t be surprised when my son eventually begins to self medicate because of the harsh inner voice I gifted his psyche for the rest of his days. And he’ll suffer under this yolk until he learns to stop hating existing in his sick and sinful body.

If a person goes around thinking they’re garbage then naturally they will either act like a garbage person or they will resent being alive. The human soul is such a fragile little baby, we must tend to it as if it were a little infant in our very care, not abusing it but not spoiling it either.

Balance, harmony, peace.

If we are loving towards ourselves then we can’t help but to naturally move that way towards others. Western Christianity removed the Holy Mother from its language so we can’t be surprised that religious groups use and abuse and neglect women (and therefore children) the most.

And while we are on the topic: as much as I love the Orthodox Church and all the ways it gets it right so much of the time, I am deeply disappointed that it removed women from serving in the church hundreds of years ago when there was once a time when there was such a thing.

We could once again serve along side one another instead of only seeing us as either a wife and mother or a virgin.

I can see clearly now that the force that called me back to Orthodoxy wasn’t just the Lord Jesus, but the Mother of God, ultimately. A female Spirit called me back to the church.

I love being a wife and mother, that was my dream since I was a tiny girl, but I don’t believe everyone should bring children into this world. My views on abortion have changed drastically since having children of my own. Bruh, I once had a pro-life bumper sticker on the back of my car!

I finally understood how merciful abortion can be, especially for the child. That child will have an opportunity to come back and live life through another being. We cannot force parenthood on people, that will not make them good parents who will raise a well-adjusted adult, period.

Besides that, the reason why the Patriarchy doesn’t like abortion is because we need laborers to nurture and support the millionaires’ excessive lifestyle.

I trust women. Like I said previously, women have the understanding that I need to guide me as a woman myself. In the church, only the men get total understanding because only men are allowed to serve. We cannot fully love what we cannot understand, and therefore as long as men continue to reject the feminine part of their souls, we will have violence and hatred in the world.

I spent a lot of time this year trying to understand Christ more: who He really was, what did He actually teach and do we live by it, really? I was horrified to learn that the answer was no, but I don’t even know why I was so surprised. I guess I just have skin in the game, now. Before when it was just me, I didn’t care about what happened in the world, I just wanted to be happy, which meant I was living in ignorance.

After I had kids, the somber reality of things set in and I suddenly felt this personal responsibly to start changing things so that my kids can live in a better world. My love for them reached out and caught so many things on fire.

I used to judge my mother for being afraid for me, I thought her fear is what caused so much damage because it fed this hunger for the world in me. Hunger for the world is considered a sin in Christianity, as if it always means going off and becoming a hedonist, or staying a hedonist.

Now I understand that horrible fear for your children, this intensely fierce drive to protect them at all costs. That fear itself was a new burden to bear, because I can’t escape it.

Being a parent is so psychologically challenging.

Earth’s inhabitants are so terrified. Human beings use religion to take away our natural sovereignty and shame us out of believing that we arw gods.

“ I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High..” - Psalm 82:6

We are gods whose responsibility it is to take care of this earth and all of her creatures inside of her, but when we strip the Mother of her rights, of her autonomy, when you try to tie the Great Woman down, watch how all of her beloved creatures, her angels, her saints, how they chew at her bindings, comfort her and bring her nourishment.

But away from nature we fail the woman who has fallen ill in the spirit; we demand she pour it all out for us and when she is unable to continue for a moment we jump on her and claw at her as if that could possibly restart her nourishing flow. What a sad reality we live in when the being we rely on to create us and sustain us is not treated with the same care she bestows on us. It doesn’t make any logical sense and that would not happen in a matriarchy.

We exist in a time where working mothers are hardly recognized in the workforce, how we work our mothers to death, forcing her to be away from her new baby, ripping part of her soul away in doing so. But what can she do? She has to work to help keep her family fed while her boss goes on his fifth Caribbean vacation this year with his own grandchildren.

But yes, let’s ban abortion so we can have MORE of that good profit we’re making off of these new mothers’ backs! Also, more babies means more labor for the one percent’s expensive pocket. It’s nearly impossible to raise a child by yourself. I got lucky and fell in love with the best father I could find for my babies; some women either don’t have a say or they are completely fooled by a man who just wants a cook and a maid. Unless you have a good family, church community, or an awesome neighborhood, there isn’t that many options for poor mothers in bad circumstances. I could write down the list of what governmental domino knocks over what cultural domino in order for us to arrive at where we are now, but I’ll save time and skip to the main cause of all Earth’s stress: Capitalism. The ultra kind.

My point is that we have to set up a better system for families, not for millionaires.

+++

actual photo of my friends saving my life

When I was in the middle of my “nervous breakdown” it just seemed as though everyone who knew me at the time was afraid of me and kept their distance except for two close friends of mine. And I know I probably wasn’t the easiest to approach at the time. I know a lot of it was me projecting, but some of it did not come from my own mind.

I think communities are often more used to staring at “train wrecks” instead of recognizing the cries for help and offering a helping hand.

But this is just the way our culture operates, plus human connection has been at an all time low since the Corona Virus. After the pandemic it’s like something inside of everyone collectively died. I suppose it was the last drop of our love for humanity and that’s one reason why the men and boys are constantly shooting helpless school children full of holes now.

I can also immediately tell when a man is projecting his colonized, unhealed woman hatred onto me. It’s like they have this invisible black shroud in front of them stemming from their emotional trauma, blocking authentic love and connection from a woman no matter the circumstance. That is where a woman must recognize that this man is not truly seeing her humanity, not seeing her as a reflection of himself, and must make a decision on whether or not to politely but cautiously excuse herself. The patriarchy creates this dynamic.

Women naturally exude love and warmth, but if a man has had a few too many negative experiences with a woman, he is more likely to have a negative reaction to her presence entirely if he perceives her as not giving her warmth to him, to which he feels entitled to. This is a problem because in a patriarchal system that favors one gender over the other. Even the slightest miscommunication can be life or death for some women. A man is not typically in danger of physical harm from a woman when she is flooded with emotions, but the same isn’t true for a woman.

Not to mention the mental illness this age of internet porn has created, targeting our baby boys no matter what we try. We have men who genuinely think the only value a woman has to offer the world is her body by means of either sex, care taking, or both. What goes on in her brain is irrelevant.

When a woman shows an unhealed man warmth that isn’t sexual, he typically misses it or misreads it as sexual anyway. This is a belief that alienates men so terribly, even though the Patriarchy was set up to mainly benefit men, it is the very system that blockades those men from the well of supernatural opulence a REAL woman brings into a man’s life. Just imagine what kind of world our children could come into if we all actually worked together to make it happen.

I guarantee that we would see a baby boom much heftier than the one we had eighty years ago.

If we would just give the girl a chance…

On A Woman Under the Influence

But I will give credit where credit is due, during my mental decline, a friend of mine who is also a man recommended a movie that changed my life forever called: “A Woman Under The Influence” by John Cassavettes. His wife Gena Rowlands was the catalyst for the whole production and she also starred in the film as Mabel: a sensitive, troubled housewife and mother in a working class family. The film revolves around the fact that she is very clearly is going through a mental break down. You begin to see why that is after you witness how rough and brutish her husband is, even though he seems to mean well. He’s a loud, uncouth, jealous oaf who just wants his wife to behave normally but she is so clearly struggling. She’s lonely and confused, her needs aren’t being met; even she herself is not quite sure what is wrong either. And when she tries to explain, no understands her.

Her husband is a blue collar worker and Peter Falk who plays him does an excellent job of portraying a man who is just doing his best to provide for his family but is failing miserably.

Cassavetes shows us how much the family not only needs the father for financial support, but emotional support also. And when a society only expects the WOMAN to balance the emotional world for everyone in the family, what happens when the typically emotionally stable, default parent falls apart?

Even though the film also shows the affects of the harsh physical demands the world places on a man’s shoulders, I still loathed Peter Falk's character. Because of how he was piling onto his wife’s psychological torture at the end of the film, even lowering himself to slapping Mabel.

But it was all so real, every bit of it, right down to how their own elderly parents handled the situation.

It was a perfectly done case study of how we treat our families in this society, how we brutalize our mothers and fathers and fail our children. It is not about you against me, it’s us against this wicked system that dominates this world.

During the entire two hours of this film, I had a slow, silent, stream of tears steadily trickling down my face. The answer to the usual dilemma in Cassavetes films is always so simple. It’s right there, begging to be acknowledged in all of it’s human plunders and passion: it’s love.

Except, true to life, there’s always some complication that keeps the characters from fully reaching that humbling conclusion, or from staying there for very long. That’s how we ALL are conditioned. John Cassavetes and Gena Rowlands together capture the heart-aching, pitiful beauty of humanity, our falling down and getting back up again, our putting down the sword and lifting high the cup of our vulnerability.

These films force you to look at the reality we face daily as a society, a world that values labor, pride, and material wealth more than the eternal, sacred, human family.

(Thank you, BS, for putting me onto these films!!!<3)

That’s when my stance on abortion changed. You cannot be less concerned with the child outside of the womb than you are with a child inside the womb where it only remains for about nine months.

We assume that everyone has the physical or mental means to get themselves together and allow themselves to thrive. During my mental break, I could feel the annoyance and fear coming off of some people like steam. And when you are a mother, the judgment from others is a million times hotter. People don’t want to reach in and help, they want to judge and then gossip about you.

On Tarot

One of my only sources of guidance through my breakdown was through Tarot. When I began to study the images and meanings of the 1909 Smith-Waite deck, I began to face up to some really important truths about myself and the world around me. Learning about what the Tarot stands for felt like I was remembering an ancient fact about myself. I didn’t always use it in the correct way, taking things way too literally and trying to twist the answers to fit what I wanted to see instead.

The Fool card is the first to appear in the deck and as soon as I laid eyes on it I felt something come over me, like something was clicking into place that I had been looking for my entire life.

The Fool: Ground zero, the starting point. Next is the magician which is just a representation of how humans naturally create and make things happen. The wand is fire and creative energy, and he holds onto not only the wand but also a cup, a pentacle, and a sword. The infinity sign hovers above his head to signify how we are one with that which goes on forever; we are one with Infinite God.

The Magician is what the Fool turns into, and after him comes the High Priestess, number three in the Tarot. She is a wise woman draped in blue robes that turn into rushing water at her feet and a large crucifix is embroidered across her chest while she holds the Torah in her lap. She is enthroned between two black and white pillars: B (Boaz): His strength and J (Jachin): He will establish, which represent the twin columns in Old Testament King Solomon’s Temple. These symbolize duality: light and dark, masculine and feminine, and how we must accept them both in order to fully understand life.

Behind her curtain of pomegranates is a calm, dark sea, glowing in the still moonlight. She wears a hat on her head with a giant pearl or moon in the center. The High Priestess card has always reminded me of a vagina, just as the Madonna has been depicted herself as the opening of the tunnel of life.

The sea that the veil conceals is intuition and how the Great Woman guards it and lets the water flow through her body and spirit. A crescent moon lies at her watery feet because of the moon’s connection with the female reproductive system.

So much of the Tarot is drenched in Christianity as well as Judaism. Using the Tarot never has and does not feel like a moral failure but a necessary guide and comfort for when you feel a disturbance in the ether around yourself. It’s perfect for when you know you aren’t being honest with yourself and you need an unbiased answer. What is the bigger picture here besides my own emotions and my side of things? Where am I wielding a sword where I should be bearing my cup?

Tarot is what made me completely believe that we are 1000% living in the matrix. The answers have been too spot on each time, teaching me how to better understand and approach a situation. Even if it is me who reveals things to myself through the images on the cards, there is an element of there being an Other attempting to wake you up on the other side. You can feel God trying to create balance and peace in your life, the Tarot never steers me down a path that is not good for me, only reminds me of what I have forgotten within myself that makes me less loving towards myself and others.

Death is also a huge component in Tarot; it teaches that death is not the end but simply a transition between worlds. The end just means the beginning of something else, so never despair because there is always a way out.

Tarot is a type of mirror, a tool for self reflection. It takes you back to basics, it reminds you of what you've known all along.

But the cards are only as helpful as the user is mentally sound and ready, and in the year of the rabbit, I seemed to have lost my mind for a little while. And honestly I wasn’t sober very often. I was just numbing my symptoms until I finally couldn’t escape them anymore. In all honesty I am able to be a functional addict, but at this point I wasn’t functioning. Unlike the pain of childbirth, I can sort of conjure up the pain of postpartum depression. It feels sluggish and heavy, sort of like a constant burning sensation inside the core of your brain that doesn’t go away for a long time.

That’s a huge reason why I got pregnant, to shift my hormones drastically. Slowly, it worked like I knew it would. I quite literally cocooned into myself in order to focus on building my daughter. I love the magic salvation of being in a woman’s body, especially in an ailing society that squeezes the very last drop of matter out of the woman and then shrieks for more until she finds it inside herself to give one more drop.

And because of love the spirit of the Holy Woman continues to give of herself, even through the lacerating pain of not being properly loved back.

I spent a lot of this year embracing the feminine spirit of this world. I did a lot of self reflection, especially through Tarot. Where was I being unfair? What was driving me to lose my sanity still? Where did I need to gain self respect? I did a lot of forgiving and justifying the actions of others that I felt hurt by. I was searching out answers to my questions about people, why we do things and how we really are so incredibly alike. Everyone is the same, just rearranged differently; of course I can forgive that. The only thing anyone wants at all times is love even if it’s taboo to admit that, we can’t help the need. It’s the very base of our coding, it is what moves everything in the right direction.

On Religion

At the same time, while my thought and spiritual life evolved, my adoration for the structure in religion also began to change drastically. I will just say that because men have dominated the Orthodox Christian space so aggressively and rejects the need for women in these spaces, they cut off the actual life creating energies that we all need in order to become whole beings. I feel that so strongly in my deepest core that it has become something I feel real grief about often. Because of the sheer worship of old traditions, things are unlikely to ever change within the church.

Which is a shame since Christ fought hard for equality between men and women and that He wouldn’t agree with how that issue is handled. I don’t have to be a Bible scholar to know that.

I believe that sex, even in marriage, is demonized by the church.

I don’t believe in shaming anyone for what they find pleasurable besides the obvious ones that hurt children and others. I think in 2025 most people know what soul ties are and no body wants more than a few and the ones who don’t are obviously coping with life through sex. People aren’t so immoral these days like the religious Boomers say we are. In fact, as a society we actually haven’t had very much sex lately with the plummeting birth rates. Women don’t want to raise families with partners who don’t want to act like partners.

I think most non-Christians are looking at our cowardly leader Donald Trump who is currently being brought down by his lustful, sinful, immoral and sex-trafficking past. The people who didn’t vote for him are automatically more Christian than the Christians who voted him in twice.

I also disagree that the world is evil and most every action we take is sinful. I don’t believe the only position a woman can have is childbearing. I believe capitalism has it’s poisonous roots in everything. I believe the stories and stereotypes we cling on to about how evil we are automatically creates problems within the psyche. What we speak over ourselves and others carries much weight. So if we are constantly focusing on how much of a sinner we are, the more we will actually sin. It’s like putting a binding spell on yourself, but I don’t think God cares a hill of beans when we put on airs, beating our breast and pretending that we are these pathetic, wicked belly crawlers. To be honest I think He probably rolls His all seeing eyes. He loves us, He knows that focusing on the positive aspects of ourselves is healthy and makes a well-adjusted human being rooted in their power.

I began to acknowledge that I truly do have guides and they are certain people and ancestors that I feel so close to my heart, it’s something that I can only describe is akin to being pregnant and slowly but surely, subtly sensing the soul of my growing child. When another soul is right up against yours, maybe they really are just in the dimension above. These small, still voices I feel in the back of my mind do not rake me over the coals with my sins, they give me information and truths about situations and encourage me to be brave. They comfort me when I can find none from fellow humans.

I look back at myself from 2024 and I see a person who was really hurting and trying everything they could to not feel so hurt and abandoned. That kind of pain makes you hate being in your own body, therefore you hate everyone else’s existence, too. I was really resentful and jealous of people who seemed like they didn’t want to die all the time.

Nonetheless, the weight of all of that mental stress caused me to have my mental breakdown; I can look back and see how I was raging against my ego while simultaneously trying to sort out all of the confusion oozing from the collective distrust of this actively deteriorating system which is fueled by greed and preservation of the male ego.

I could not calm down my nervous system. My old and new beliefs were dueling; I was unable to properly articulate what I was going through.

The increasingly violent civil unrest throughout the entire world for the past five years has caused me to begin to question a great many things Abrahamic-religion-based, just like many people are doing, which ultimately leads one back to questioning the Patriarchy as a whole. I would discuss these things with close friends who had caught the same type of vibration, and I began to find resources that seemed to answer my endless questions. The unlearning all felt so involuntary, like once I had fallen down the rabbit hole in 2023 there was no climbing out again. There’s simply no getting around that for centuries men in power have used the Bible to justify the mistreatment and domination of people of color and of women.

Pointing this out to Christians, especially to men, doesn’t make one very popular in those spaces. Go figure. But the only way out is always through, the whole way through.

I remember when I was this brave, spunky eighteen year old kid who made six second Vine videos as the dorky alter ego Ima Pube and other silly characters. I got up to 100k followers but was derailed eventually by my social anxiety and stopped making content.

But for the first two years, I was bored and lonely and the internet became a type of community for me. Community was something I deeply craved as an isolated, home schooled kid.

There are some days I feel so far away from that young fearless person; I fought my mom so much on any push back she had on my unbridled personality. She wanted to protect me in every way possible, God bless her.

“I don’t care what anyone thinks of me,” was my favorite line to use in an argument with her about being careful what I posted online. Luckily, I didn’t post anything too risky, just dumb jokes and sometimes made up songs at my piano.

I sometimes recall back to that part of me and sigh. I miss that girl, that Paul McCartney and Wings obsessed, Jesus loving, dreamy, nature girl who just wanted to make people laugh and smile.

I recall my childhood relationship with God. I ran around in the woods all day until I was eighteen years old, God couldn’t help but dwell so close to my heart. It was the freest, purest time in my life. It was utterly meditative.

I had a little bit of access to the internet but I mainly used to illegally download music.

I had a link to God that was pristine, eternally strong, and deeply connected with nature. I miss living next to so much green, to see it and be around it is like water for the soul. I feel most whole next to nature, but who doesn’t?

I would think about God and his miraculous wonders all day long, even in my early twenties I was reading the Bible on my lunch breaks. I would get overwhelmed with love and then have to write poems about Jesus on receipt paper at work.

One of my biggest means of socialization growing up had been my mom. She would come home from work when I was a teenager and we would take long walks all over the woody parts of my grandparent’s neighborhood. We would ride our bikes to find abandoned houses and cars in the deep woods. We would talk about God a lot and about the way things were in the world, and why people do things the way we do, what we felt wrong in ourselves. We butted heads sometimes but we always worked through it. Unlike when I fought with my dad or my brothers it felt like little was ever resolved, causing piles of resentment to brew on top of the weird unspoken competition we already had going with one another.

My early life was a little lonely but it was mostly full of sunshine and leaves and animals, even when I omit all the rotten parts that mostly came later. My connection to the Divine Source of all things was solidified during that time so no one can ever take it away from me.

Being an ultra sensitive, rejection sensitive person, it’s hard to not feel everything all the time in a psychic sense. As I roll with life’s constant punches I keep reminding myself to “stay connected to Love” because it helps to ground me in the present moment.

I observe the feeling and listen to what my intuition is saying. I try to do this so that I don’t react very quickly without any forethought at all like I am used to doing. I am still working out this muscle.

I’m not as fresh now and fear grasps me in a new way, but not completely. I don’t feel as vibrant anymore but with lived life comes a seasoning and a inner knowing that no one can dim.

Final Thoughts

In the hospital during yet ANOTHER emergency C-section, I lay there on the operating table (with the correct amount of drugs to completely numb me this time) and as they bore down on my hips and sawed through seven layers of tissue to retrieve my daughter, I thought of the people in Gaza who are being operated on without any anesthesia at all. All of the images of martyred children I’d seen over the past two years flashed before my eyes, and then there appeared my precious Isidora at last, the girl of my dreams.

At my core, I am so completely satiated by my family. There isn’t anything more important than family, real and created.

I can’t help but to love people, I think we divide ourselves further by clinging to labels like, autistic, OCD, anxiety disordered, etc. We are all connected even in our brokenness, even with the nuance of personality. But none of us are immune to the spiritual poison that our culture pumps into our daily lives. No matter what color of our skin, how much money we have, or what our background looks like, we all feel the same emotions and sensations that the Matrix has to offer. And we all know who is responsible for upholding the Matrix (spoiler: it’s the ultra wealthy!)

I often find myself hypnotized by the never ending cesspool that the internet has to offer, witnessing the very worst this planet can retch up in .05 seconds, jaw sagging, unable to tear my eyes away from the visual cyber cancer.

It never fails for me to feel like steaming garbage afterwards.

In reality, humans are magnificent. Our worst flaw is letting our mind and everything it has endured forget where we are and who we are at a moments notice. We forget that we are gods, and we aren’t really even allowed to say it out loud. Have you ever wondered why that is?

I’ll give you a hint: It’s the same reason Christ was tortured and then murdered.

Being open about what is actually on your mind even through the fear of judgement is vulnerability, which ultimately stems from humility. I sometimes think about what a world would look like if wasn’t such a crime to be truly honest about how we feel. That’s dangerous to the Patriarchy because once people begin to talk openly and respectfully to one another, we begin to connect. A connected people is a thousand times stronger than the ruling class whose lavish lifestyle we sustain through our sacrifice. (i.e., extreme capitalism)

But what matters now is that humans have been frightened out of our very minds, forgetting that each of us has a world of power in our fingertips to break through our cultural and religious dividers in order to really connect with one another. Through our energy, our actions, through our love and our compassion and mercy for others. Those are some Orthodox Christian buzzwords that keep me hanging on, even if it’s only by a thread.

In an effort to finally stop ruminating over the events of the last almost three years since my spiritual awakening and journey into motherhood, I started this blog.

Keeping it up has really helped me to process things, even if I haven’t posted in a while. Writing is something I’m always doing, because my mind doesn’t know how to rest (yet).

I want a better world for my children, that’s it. And I’m officially accepting my role in it as a flawed person who seeks to love better, which for me, in order to do that, I feel in my heart of hearts that I must eventually let go of religion. I just don’t know how or mean I will be able to fully do that. For thirty years I was a die hard Christian to my deepest center. And I will always be a Christian, I will always strive to be like how I know the true Christ to be. I know he exists through Gnosis, a concept I am just starting to dip my toes into.

Nowadays, I mostly go through life as if I am an astronaut. We are all literally just floating in the middle of a massive abyss of everything all the time.

I spend a little more time keeping track of where the planets are positioned in the sky. I believe God uses the planets and stars to guide us humans to our greatest unity. I believe that we are headed towards a different age, a beautiful age where people have grown tired of being afraid of everything and really start to see the magic in one another.

It’s been interesting to experience motherhood with my second child; so far I haven’t felt the depression seep in, no more than usual.

My whole life I’ve been running away from my first encounter with depression and chasing my first highs.

Becoming a mother forced me to confront parts of myself that I may have never brought into the light otherwise.

I believe God’s mercy extends outside of my personal experience and I don’t believe He sends people to hell like most Christians are brainwashed to believe.

Who knows, maybe in a few months I’ll see the white rabbit. But I have a feeling that even if I do, I will do my best to not fall into that lonely abyss again.

I’m grateful to God for all of the moments, even the ones I found embarrassing.

Without all of that pain I wouldn’t be who I am right now: a pretty decent person.

Yes, I am a sinner, but also a pretty decent person.

I take care of my family in all the ways that I am able. I try to be forgiving and kind, even with my extended family, even if that takes longer.

I understand that I am a god in my own right while still understanding that there is a God above me, He is inside me as well.

I possess powers within myself that that all of my collective human family possess. We have been in the process of remembering our whole lives. We can create our own world just as we did as children.

We can do it if we start

now.

“Everything I see is new

The sky's a nicer shade of blue

And look, the grass is greener too

Since the time I first saw you

Flowers grow around my door

I've never seen that rose before

And now, a rose means so much more

Must be you, its growing for

'Cause you're a wonder child

Living in a world that's all surprise

And you make me see things through your eyes

Wonder child, this I know

It's no wonder that I love you so

Wonder child, wonder child

Rainy days are bright for me

And rainbows shine at night for me

It's you, you taught me how to see

You opened up the world for me

You opened up the world for me

'Cause you're a wonder child

Living in a world that's all surprise

And you make me see things through your eyes

Wonder child, this I know

It's no wonder that I love you so

It's no wonder that I love you so

- Wonderchild