Death of a Fool; Becoming the Observer

I often think about the story of The Fall and contemplate what would have happened if humans didn’t have the vigorous urge to constantly fuck around and find out.

In the past few months, the main theme of my day to day life is fully embracing my role as “observer”. When thoughts come up that are uncomfortable and intruding, instead of sheepishly going along with them and then putting them on as clothing like I used to, I now practice staying focused, noticing the difficult emotions come up and then choosing to stay on course. But there are still some thoughts and emotions I struggle to ignore… anger is the mightiest of these demons.

During my three year break from Orthodox Christianity, I was put on to Maria Montessori’s method of observation, patience, and the release of control. What better way to re-train the brain than going back to childhood itself? The first year of working at the school where I met my husband was one of the most heavenly experiences of my entire life, truly. My home life was chaotic and certainly impermanent; I was uneasy much of the time and I escaped by smoking cigarettes, running/working out whenever I got a spare minute, and going to work.

I craved peace, growth, and consistence.

Montessori, the small children in my care, and Ethan Taylor provided that for me most.

I didn’t want a lot of money and I didn’t care about having a lot of friends.

I genuinely just wanted a peaceful existence and I was willing to do whatever self work it took to attain that.

I came back to Orthodoxy with a fresh perspective, ready to embrace its richness with a newly opened heart. Our religion focuses a lot on embracing the Cross of Christ which I came to learn is not something we seek out, it’s something we must acknowledge exists for everyone regardless of what we believe: suffering is built into life.

Something that recently solidified it for me came from a pretty unconventional source (according to some strict, dogmatic Orthodox folk) The person I am referring to is Ram Dass, an American guru who taught Eastern spirituality. He said:

“Here and now has within it a great richness that is just enough. If somebody asks me, ‘Ram Dass, are you happy?’ I stop and look inside.’Yes, I'm happy.’ ‘Ram Dass, are you sad?' ‘Yes, I'm sad.’ Answering those questions, I realize that all of those feelings are present.”

Simple yet profound, I think.

Even without an expensive diagnosis I know I most likely have high functioning AuDHD from my parents (one has severe ADHD and the other has mild to severe autism); this naturally translates to AuDHD for me. But I refuse to use these labels as a crutch or a pass for harmful behavior towards self and others, at least not anymore.

After all: “You do better when you know better.”

In this broken world that labors to heal itself we all have some ailment passed down from our ancestors. We leap across the rainbow of “illnesses” throughout our lifespans but we still exist under the same rainbow. We must accept that all colors and shades exist in order to crush fear and overwhelm. And though we need other people, it is in our solitude where we find God because He existed within us even before we were a thought. We’ve got to go back to the Engineer in order to begin restoration.

I am still working hard to keep my eyes open, to not flinch at pain when it inevitably rears up and stings. I am working hard to stay present and focused as the observer, with Christ at the base of all intention.

I am a person, like most, who likes to feel up and high all of the time. I have a deep disdain for despair because the few times in my life when I have felt true despair I have wanted to end it all and I never want to feel that way again, ever.

Orthodox Christians believe that suffering is a necessary part of life. Growing up Protestant I was taught that if we suffered then we must not be as close to God as we should be because suffering is unnatural and the work of The Fall.

I can see both sides of the coin. The reason for suffering is sin, both our own and the sins of others. People use the existence of suffering as a reason to not believe in God, and to ponder long on why suffering exists and what can be done to eliminate it can really twist up the mind.

There are many Orthodox nuns and monks who live ascetic lives and embrace suffering; there is no dispute that this kind of lifestyle does beget a spiritual state that is undeniably lifted. You can plainly see that their auras seem to be unequivocally cleansed and at true peace.

They learn to accept earthly pain as they face extreme boredom and work for little to no monetary gain. They let go, stop their resistance and therefore they learn to not despair in their acceptance of all things to come, both bad and good.

St. Silouan the Athonite said: “Keep thy mind in Hell and despair not.”

He also said,

“Constantly be aware of your own sinfulness and unworthiness, while simultaneously holding onto the unwavering hope that God's grace will still save you, despite your shortcomings.”

Notice that he encourages the keeping of hope in salvation from God. If we are only aware of our shameful thoughts and deeds with no aspiration to be free from them someday then that is quite literally hell within the psyche. This does not make one more compassionate, loving and humble before others, rather it turns us into beasts who thirst for blood.

We should not accept our shortcomings as our final form, but in patient and merciful prayer we should hope and strive to be a little less wretched each day, especially when we must live in the world.

I think of the emotional life like it is a body of water. We expect it to always be peaceful, calm, and constant. When something is dropped into the water, whether the object is big or small it makes a ripple on the surface and sends a few brief waves before it goes back to being peaceful, calm, and constant.

But the reality is there will be storms from above that we have no control over, and our waters will be mixed and sloshed around whether we like it or not.

But Jesus indeed walked on the surface of the waters even during a great storm.

The waters of Jesus’ Mind were so calm nothing could sink Him. To have such Faith in God is to not submit to the storm, even if the storm should threaten one's own life.

Towards the end of last year, I felt like there was constant storms in my emotional life. People in my community made hurtful comments about my body, gave me horrid looks, ignored me when I tried to talk to them, did small, mean things to get me to react, etc. It also seemed, at the same time, that these same people were getting sick enjoyment from my suffering as I tried to navigate my storm.

To make it all worse, this was going on within my church community.

I had thought that this particular community was different than all the others that I had fled from previously. This Christian community was supposed to be different, more humble, more stoic and focused on one’s own sin rather than anyone else’s.

I was shocked and gutted as the days went on and more and more was revealed to me. I realized later that I had put most everyone there on a very high pedestal, thinking they either loved me enough to understand or didn’t care enough to give me the time of day. Either was fine to me.

I had bragged to everyone in my life about my church and the people who went there, and about how gentle and humble and welcoming they were… Until they weren’t.

That was foolish, because I forgot how narrow the path is, as Christ warns. I know how people are, I just thought these people were better than the rest because in Orthodox Christianity, perfection is the goal.

It turned out that fewer doves roosted there than I originally thought; some were more like chickens and some even like snakes and vipers.

But nonetheless, there are doves there, and it is from those doves that this chicken continues to learn.

I also think the main reason for the venom was because I was awakening to the perpetually crumbling American political, two-party system as the meaningless genocide in Gaza raged on. I was loud about the injustice. My conservative mother and I were getting into screaming matches and other family members backed alllll the way off.

Also, I called out some abusive people in my family, for which I am just not sorry.

Sorry.

Spiritually, my husband couldn’t understand what I was going through, and let’s be real, the very old friends we think will love us unconditionally are as rare as rubies…

As I realized how many people truly did not have my back and were even raking me over the hot pavement behind my back, I began to feel the most isolated I had felt since I decided to stop cultivating my fame from going viral in 2014.

I felt insane and completely alone, as if motherhood in the twenty-first century isn’t already completely isolating.

I read a spiritual book called Holy Fools and I thought, this is how I feel, this is where my life has led me. I was having dreams of talking with these saints and even communicated with some of them in my prayers; I started to go so hard because I felt more understood by these people who died centuries ago than I did by people in my current life.

I started to lose a lot of weight as I elevated in my spiritual life which just rubbed people the wrong way who weren’t on the same Fool's journey, which was no one.

They thought I was starving myself to look better, but I wasn’t. I just no longer felt the need for food when I was getting so much out of my spiritual life intimately communicating with Christ and the Saints.

“You have a family, you can’t live as a Fool for Christ when you have a responsibly as a wife and mother,” is what a few people gently told me. With that I couldn’t argue; even still I desperately wanted to continue on this deeply fulfilling journey.

But at the risk of literally losing my family or maybe being put into an institution, I had no choice but to stop. I started to really try for a baby in order to calm things. Though I had already planned to try for another, I just started to focus on that instead of being a Fool for Christ.

I also brought someone into our home who I really wanted to help get back on their feet, but there was another rift in my family life and it soon became apparent that this person was obviously just there to rot their life away and take complete advantage with no plans on moving their life into a better direction. After about five or six days, I had to kick them out.

My business suffered a small bit but I was able to hold it together which is an absolute MIRACLE considering how badly I was drowning.

Speaking of miracles, I got T-Boned on Thanksgiving, 2024. Someone ran a red light while I was turning on a left green arrow. They hit my drivers side so hard that I spun in circles and landed in someone’s front yard. Their rental car was absolutely annihilated and his leg was a little scratched, but I didn’t even feel sore the next day. I even knew that the collision happened because a certain person who was beginning to hate my guts wanted it to happen.

But I was completely fine when I should not have been; I was being Divinely protected, and so that even further solidified my Faith.

God really was the only One who could truly help and understand. No human was there for me as I reached out with very complex worries and anxieties, and even tears. I was desperate for some consolation.

I understand crazy people; I thought I already did, but after last year I truly can empathize and recognize that those people aren’t really crazy. Misguided maybe, but not crazy.

I hit a wall eventually as I had to let my dream die, knowing that there was absolutely no one on Earth I could turn to for help except for Christ Himself.

People who knew I wanted to have another baby were concerned that my low weight would affect my fertility, which was a valid concern and it became my concern, too because my period had stopped months prior.

Turns out, just like the first time, we conceived on the very first try even without a period.

Glory to God.

I found out over a month later that I was pregnant and began to focus on that to combat my seasonal depression on top of my new depression stemming from my fresh reminder of how shitty and horrid people can be when they lack Faith.

I turned to the Source and I felt He was guiding me to get off of most of my usual socials, to stop talking to and revealing my plans to my peers as much because they were using that information as ego-fuel and gossip, and to stop judging myself and others, to just observe what people did and said.

I needed to just shut my freely talking mouth and be silent for once.

No one was capable of understanding what I really wanted to do for God.

I stopped consuming as much content that made me anxious and instead sought content that made me happy: music, comedy, dancing, philosophy, nature… Things that brought me peace and a smile to my face in my despair. I would get up early to pray and journal and drink my coffee before my little boy woke up, knowing that with another baby on the way, those mornings would cease for another period of time.

Just like after I went viral at 18, I no longer feel comfortable sharing my life to the masses, or now even to my intimate community. I am learning to keep most things close to my chest. That was one bit of control I desperately needed back, even though I love to share everything and express myself freely; I don’t know when or if I will be ready to do any of that again after paying such a weighty price, besides this blog that I honestly have no idea who still reads or cares.

I really do wish I could fly under the radar, my deepest, truest thoughts floating in the ether but going completely unnoticed.

Before all this spiritual awakening stuff, I genuinely saw the best in people without being aware that that was what I was doing. All of these years, I was seeing my best in other people; I saw my own reflection because I love who I am on the inside, I love where my mother’s love and my ancestor’s guidance have kept me afloat, and where had chosen to follow God’s instruction.

I still enjoy the fruit of those Divine choices, I deeply adore where God has lead me to this very moment of peace and contentment. I don’t deal with shame very often because I don’t make a habit of doing things that I am ashamed of.

One might read that and accuse me of committing the sin of pride.

Yes, Pride in self is the cause of most of our suffering. Pride in self is idolatry because we are not God; we did not create the world we see around us. That is true foolishness.

I think the only time pride is healthy is when we have pride for the things we collaborate in creating: our children, music, food, paintings, poetry, etc. We use the tools God gives us to bring about new people and art, which is really all just recycled matter.

We can take pride in our art and in our loves because we are usually in awe of the process and the outcome.

Obviously, I am not perfect; I have so many tweaks and kinks that I am working out in my journey towards Salvation; I am aware of my sinfulness and unworthiness as St. Silouan advices, but I am also aware of the Love that keeps me afloat, that keeps the air inflating my lungs and my mind focused on gaining the approval of my Savior.

Right now, I am a content, happy, proud person who adores her growing family and lives for that. My family is my peace and satisfaction and I worked damn hard to get where I am.

I have been full of admiration and love for others since I was a small child and it only grew in my adulthood.

I have encountered the worst in people who projected the worst of themselves onto me and still do, but even after I ingested it and tasted how sickly and disgusting that truly feels… I still would rather see the best in everyone. Because, God… talk about true DESPAIR.

I have briefly felt hatred before and at the end of this year, it threatened to trickle into my bloodstream again, but my child was my salvation this time around. I cannot truly hate anyone or anything after witnessing him. As I have stated more than once, seeing him enter into this world out of my fragile, human vessel humbled me into absolute oblivion and submission. I can't even help it.

When I encounter hatred now I much better understand what the saints mean when they say we should weep for those people who perpetuate it. Those people are in hell currently, they experience a mental weeping and gnashing of teeth daily. They have no peace or true lasting happiness and it doesn’t bring me joy knowing that. It just saddens me and fills me with disappointment. What a waste of wonderful human potential for greatness and beauty, working in collaboration to raise the vibration of love on this Earth and heal it once and for all.

Another’s feelings is never truly about us. The world acts as a natural mirror; it’s all perspective, our inward feelings reflected back to us through others and without Christ (Love) all of reality is truly warped.

I am continually learning to let go and release expectations of others. I don’t put anything past anyone or put anyone on a pedestal anymore, least of all myself. When we do that God elevates our mental state into the Heavenly realms where we can clearly commune with the crystalized, collective consciousness of the Saints of all the Earth throughout all time.

My biggest dream still is be a Fool for Christ. I can feel it constantly calling to me in the recesses of my mind; my whole past life pointing to it like a big red arrow. No one can understand how badly I wish I could execute it as fully as I know I could.

But who knows, years down the line maybe after my last child moves out of the house, I can try again.

I feel like I was massively tested last year. I feel as though God opened my eyes to how the people around me didn’t feel the same about me that I felt about them, and then asked, “Fool, will you still love them?”

I will love. I love to feel love for people and to feel the bliss of uplifting people because I know how God has uplifted and fed me from His hands.

I don’t want to turn into the bitter, resentful, angry individuals I witnessed throughout my life: my late grandmother, my father, my living grandparents, my oldest brother, etc.

I don't want to become careless and cruel to others, causing more pain in the world that is already so sluggish with hate.

I want to remain soft while also gaining wisdom through awareness, regardless of the pain that inevitably comes with that. This is so hard to do, but anything is possible with God.

So I keep trying, while I may fumble and trip and fall on my face, I refuse to become a calculating, cold person that I don’t admire.

No, I would rather be a fool.

I will end on with the words of Kendrick Lamar to drive my point home:

Celebrate new life when it come back around

The purpose is in the lessons we learnin' now

Sacrifice personal gain over everything

Just to see the next generation better than ours

I wasn't perfect, the skin I was in had truly suffered

Temptation and patience, everything that the body nurtures

I felt the good, I felt the bad, and I felt the worry

But all-in-all, my productivity had stayed urgent

Face your fears, always knew that I would make it here

Where the energy is magnified and persevered

Consciousness is synchronized and crystal-clear

Euphoria is glorified and made His

Reflectin' on my life and what I done

Paid dues, made rules, change outta love

Them same views made schools change curriculums

But didn't change me starin' down the barrel of that gun

Should I feel resentful I didn't see my full potential?

Should I feel regret about the good that I was into?

Everything is everything, this ain't coincidental

I woke up that mornin' with more heart to give you

As I bleed through the speakers, feel my presence

To my brother, to my kids, I'm in Heaven

To my mother, to my sis, I'm in Heaven

To my father, to my wife, I am serious, this is Heaven

To my friends, make sure you countin' them blessings

To my fans, make sure you make them investments

And to the killer that sped up my demise

I forgive you, just know your soul's in question

I seen the pain in your pupil when that trigger had squeezed

And though you did me gruesome, I was surely relieved

I completed my mission, wasn't ready to leave

But fulfilled my days, my Creator was pleased

I can't stress how I love y'all

I don't need to be in flesh just to hug y'all

The memories recollect just because y'all

Celebrate me with respect

The unity we protect is above all

And Sam, I'll be watchin' over you

Make sure my kids watch all my interviews

Make sure you live all the dreams we produce

Keep that genius in your brain on the move

And to my neighborhood, let the good prevail

Make sure them babies and them leaders outta jail

Look for salvation when troubles get real

'Cause you can't help the world until you help yourself

And I can't blame the hood the day that I was killed

Y'all had to see it, that's the only way to feel

And though my physical won't reap the benefits

The energy that carry on emits still

I want you

-The Heart Part 5

I love you.