Time Jump - New Year 2025: Heal the West

Words are stuck in my throat and have been for months. But the seal unlocks now.

Truly, it really started in 2023 after Isaac Dean was born and then in the fall after I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. It was like I went through two births, one physical birth and the other one purely psychological. I even began to develop psychic gifts, or maybe a better word would be more awareness. And if I’m being truly honest, it really is just pattern recognition. I’ve heard this is only something autistic people have, but I believe everyone is on the spectrum, we’re just socialized to abandon that awareness in order to appease the spirit of evil that rules this world. Conformity is a sin. Everyone is psychic, everyone is spiritual, everyone has the capability to be like God if we are spiritually disciplined enough.

The act of waking up and learning how to once again be authentic is incredibly painful, and it can only begin with love.

I began to recognize parts of myself that were truly ugly: unfair judgement of others, racism, homophobia, addiction to gossip, shadenfrueden (getting low vibrational, sick pleasure out of other people’s suffering) and vanity. Lots and lots of vanity, which is empty because of how my motives were unconsciously fueled by feelings of extreme inadequacy. I spent thousands and thousands of hard earned dollars on attire, botox and face fillers. This has become one of the most embarrassing facts about me, but there it is.

We tell ourselves that we want to look good only for ourselves… but if we truly felt that way we would understand that the heart is evident and our intentions cannot be hidden by a ton of makeup and injections. They only keep up an illusion that most people can easily see through. If we knew the truth we would work harder on our soul, our innermost heart where Christ dwells.

In 2023, something woke up inside me and I began to piece together what I had ultimately been searching for since childhood.

I guess this was the true start of me reconnecting with every part of myself. I began the beautiful journey of becoming fully integrated. Having a baby was just the beginning, the very starting point to my destiny. My fear began to violently shed when I first laid eyes on Isaac. The very darkest and weakest part of me died as I laid screaming on that operating table, that fiery, searing pain that hurled through my body as they sliced me open and retrieved my giant child. As they held up his sweet, rolly-polly body into the air, my first fentanyl fueled thought was, “that’s Buddha”

That was the start. My slow descent from dumb, ignorant madness into unadulterated love and clarity.

After I was sexually assaulted for the second time in 2019, I went into a shell in order to heal. People had hurt me beyond comprehension, people I truly loved and admired. Even family.

Knives flew from all around; the dark, bottomless pit of narcissism appeared to suck me inside it like a vacuum in space.

It beckoned: “kill yourself” but God who is always with me transmuted that into “kill your ego”

And then He immediately gave me my husband Ethan. He was a gift of true grace and mercy, a special man who truly doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body. He is long suffering, patient, and takes correction like a champion. He really does desire to do the right thing and will work hard to achieve it for himself and his family and the children of this world no matter the cost. Ethan Taylor is a truly charitable soul with equally charitable parents, raised with true Catholic, Montessori values. He was/is my miraculous North star, an image of Christ I truly thought did not exist for me.

I say it a lot, but he saved my life; if it were not for Ethan I really do not know where I would be; the thought is pure horror. Ethan became my home, that is why I will always be faithful to him. Like my God, I cherish how he saved my life. I cherish how we grew together, how we healed together, how we became better people because we truly love one another and through that, we began to truly love ourselves in healthy ways, especially after having a child because he became that fresh motivation that is still more important than either of our wants and needs.

In 2021, I fully abandoned the last dregs of Evangelical Christianity I had in my soul and re-integrated with the Eastern Orthodox Christian Church. I had been Chrismated in 2017, but not long after that did I break up with the person who introduced me to Orthodoxy in the first place. I won’t go into it but as someone who has to keep myself accountable in all things, I have to keep others accountable, too, for the sake of my current mission.

I say the rest of this with all the love:

Some of the people who embrace Orthodox Christianity in the West and also hold on tightly to their two-party politics are some of the most racist, hateful people I have ever encountered. I’ve met a lot of jokers (the bad kind) in my life, but for every one seemingly good man I met in the Orthodox Church there seemed to exist five or ten more women-loathing shit heads with a constant boner for war.

This was a religion that claimed to have many saints who gave away most of all of their possessions to the poor and needy, and suffered with them, having little to no thought for themselves or how they looked. Hate just did not exist in theirs hearts, yet misogyny is still raging among a LOT of Orthodox men, so I have observed since 2016.

It’s confusing because I believe 10,000% that the Orthodox Christian Faith is the only true Christianity in this world. I believe the saints actually did everything that was written about them, and if you read their stories you might recognize the spirit of socialism in them; they are the ones who truly feed Christ’s sheep for the love of Christ and Christ alone. They recognized that they themselves were the hands and feet of Christ; they did not wish to dominate over anyone and their loving existences in turn made many more saints.

My point here is: perfection through Theosis is possible but you have to realize that once you start to go through that process, your political opinions can’t help but be transformed into something different entirely, and I’m sorry to say that red and blue pills have no business there. You have to shed them entirely, not because I said so, but because Jesus Christ was a socialist, plain and simple.

The truth is, socialism (always combined with pacifism) is the ultimate outcome of Theosis. And it shouldn’t surprise you that lustful, greedy, bloodthirsty America does not tolerate this way of thinking; this is why it so difficult to become and remain a saint in this land, because the spirit of evil that battles against our flesh everyday. It exists double fold in America, and it will only get worse if we don’t all wake to this reality.

Why have we been force fed pro-capitalist, anti-socialist propaganda for our entire brainwashed lives?

The love of money + the love of hate = the love of waste. Picture the entire Earth as a total open grave on top of a massive landfill… Is that what we want? Well, that’s where we’re headed if we continue in the direction we have been going for the past few centuries in the name of money and power.

The blood of God’s children cry out to Him from the Earth, and He does not forget not one of them. The dark energy that murder creates does not go into a vacuum, it sticks around and kills more.

Violence always begets violence.

"for all who draw the sword will die by the sword” - Jesus

In 2021, I returned to the Orthodox Church with my husband. Why did I come back?

Because of the handful of saints that kept up with me after I left the first time, love has this way of convincing, which can be very dangerous if used for selfish intent. But truly I felt safe with the saints there and I learned a great deal from them, and I wanted my future children to be around their good energy. We really didn’t have community. And not only that, but the beauty and the history of the Church is so indescribable. You can feel the former saints energy the instant you enter inside one of these Churches, which can be pretty freaking intimating. The rituals done inside weekly, not to mention the partaking of the Holy Eucharist work to spiritually bind you to the actual Christ. I’d been to many churches and this was the first and only one I truly felt He was welcome and stapled.

For two years we came and we spent our Sundays absorbing the energy of the Liturgy. I didn’t really talk to a lot of people besides the few I felt safe around, because I knew my reputation there was not pristine after breaking up with one of the most attention seeking and outgoing members. But he had moved away so I jumped at the opportunity to go back, because my soul needed the Church and it had been calling me since I first abandoned ship.

I have a lot of social anxiety because of how judgmental and socially insecure and “backward” my family was growing up. I also didn’t want to come in and wreck up the place, so when I returned I tried to be as sweet and quiet as possible, which I think a lot of people must have taken as me as being rude or antisocial. And that’s all fair, I am a rude person who has a raging case of foot-in-mouth syndrome.

It’s not how I wish to be, and I tried to fawn as best I could. I don’t do well in gatherings, I need to excuse myself often because I get really anxious and worried that I will offend someone, because I am constantly offending people even though I almost never mean to. I see people’s face fall when I say stuff and I feel like a monster. I feel like I can’t speak correctly, and that’s why writing is such a relief and a comfort. I can edit and revise and truly get my point across, whereas when I say dumb shit I find myself apologizing constantly or over-explaining myself which only seems to make people more uncomfortable.

And honestly, I am just being myself around most people. I don’t know how to properly mask, especially after motherhood, that shit is EXHAUSTING to keep up with when you’ve got a whole human to chase around mid-conversation.

It doesn’t seem like I can say anything right, especially in a religion upheld by men who think the only role for women should be staying silent, staying isolated in the home, enabling whatever bad behavior the husband wants to continue, raise billions of kids and that’s IT. Even though many nuns exist…

I revere being a wife and mother because it works when both parties are willing to grow up and do the hard soul searching in order to create a peaceful, equal environment. But when I hear and see men on online platforms snicker about how the best role for a woman is to be a wife and mother who will tirelessly labor for them, I feel a deep grief that turns into rage for my sisters who can’t have children, or who have been beaten and raped by men their whole lives and are now expected to endure more torture in an isolating, abusive culture… There does not seem to be as many empathic, patient men in the Orthodox Church as I thought maybe a year and a half ago; a lot of them just want control and power through “traditional” gender roles set up by the Western world, not Jesus Christ.

Jesus was a virgin who never forced anything on anyone in anyway. He did not call Himself king even though He was. He did not wish to dominate anyone, He never fought for His own honor but He did fight for the rights of others, especially, ESPECIALLY women! He adored and respected and deeply revered women. We need that in 2025, that would save us. No more killing people or dominating people, rather, let’s kill our egos.

When people truly, genuinely love you, you can always tell. And since 2019, I hadn’t realized how starving I had been for true connection outside my marriage. My whole life, allllll the way through, I was told that once you’re married and especially after you have kids you don’t get to have friends. It just doesn’t happen. I realized that my parents believed this out of fear and past hurts. My parents were always outsiders who were judged and mistreated. They weren’t perfect but they were and are good people with good hearts that want and need to remain soft in a hard world. And I think they were afraid to trust each other with having relationships with others, because adultery is such a big part of media and this world, they saw it as protecting themselves from temptation, which, I guess if you don’t feel strong enough to not lust after others in your marriage isolation seems like the only answer.

Except they raised feral children who didn’t understand how to handle human relationships, especially multiple relationships at once… In the end, I am their only child out of three with a successful marriage.

Fear only hinders; it’s lazy to not try and gain the discipline to have friendships within your marriage.

We need people, we are not meant to isolate, and we do the future of humanity a giant disservice by hiding our children away in order for them to be “safe”.

It’s a lack of trust in God.

Nonetheless, my folks are people who have worked so hard to heal and in their middle ages now have a better marriage than most people their age do, and that has to count for something. That is incredibly valuable in a world that is dominated by lust, greed, and competition. I don’t know all the ins and outs of their marriage anymore, all I know is what I see: two people who love one another with pure, golden hearts, now more than ever because they purposely grew together in their mutual adoration of Christ, no matter what the financial situation was because love will always be more important than what we “own”. Their marriage has become solid gold and it’s theirs and theirs alone forever and ever, in this life and in the next.

That is what marriage is supposed to be, two equal partners dancing through life together, climbing the mountains, holding on to one another through the steep valleys, and changing the world with that solidified love.

That’s the marriage we are striving towards, though we have many lessons to learn before we get to that gold status.

This is why I speak out so much against cheating on your partner, or inviting other people into your bed when you have a partner. It is a betrayal that cuts deep down to the soul. It makes you wonder if it possible to be committed to.

It makes one think: Am I worthy of commitment? Is anyone worthy, if lust and greed get the final say in everything? There are so many amazing people in this world, will one person ever be enough when we are only led around by our hungers that will always return the next day?

This is why fasting is such a good, spiritual practice.

Friendship is extremely important, especially in marriage, and especially when you have kids. The issue is that in this ultra competitive, capitalist Western culture, we are bombarded with media that grabs us by the genitals in order to siphon not only our money, but our energy and our brain space. Marriage seems unsexy because there’s so many temptations we could be experiencing, that is the message we are constantly receiving in this sick culture.

So of course we have an extra layer of struggle in friendships when we are used to filling ourselves with worldly pleasures when the urge arrives.

Attraction and admiration for other people is normal and good, we were made to love, but through my experience with sex, I am convinced that monogamy is only hard because of how we were programmed to view it.

I see it like this: everyone is the same. You have sex with one person, you have sex with all of them. It’s all the same, because everyone is the same, deep down.

We tell ourselves it’s got to be different, that variety exists, but if we allow ourselves and our partners to truly be authentic and accept them for who they are, the possibilities in the bedroom can become endless. Explore the beauty of sex with your partner, you will discover that that type of freedom will only strengthen your bond and for goodness sake, LEARN ABOUT WHAT FOREPLAY ACTUALLY IS.

And even so, at the end of the day, the best part about sex is the intimacy and the love. That’s why one night stands are so awful, it’s like eating a meal and then shitting it out. It’s meaningless when you don’t see the soul of the other person, they are just a meat sack for you to empty yourself on, and visa versa. This pierces the soul like a knife and you will never not be bonded with that person in some way. (Soul tie)

Nothing happens by chance, we end up with who we end up with for a reason; it was decided long ago before we were even born.

To learn to love is our purpose. We must learn to love what we have, and with God this is possible.

In 2024 I had an intense spiritual awakening and I began to learn a lot about love in nearly every aspect of my life. I hadn’t realized how starving I was for such a feast of beauty and feeling. My awareness bloomed like a lotus flower because of the love I felt for my small child, husband, and friends. I was asleep to the fact that I had so much fear holding me back from my true purpose, which is the purpose of all beings on this aching planet.

When pure love with no selfish intent touches you, it’s divine, it’s out of this world. It’s all spiritual and up to us to bring it into the physical planes.

It lifted me into a state of being that fully returned me to my childhood, making me feel whole in so many areas, at times it all felt like too much, I would weep.

Everyone can love so deeply and should, but when capitalism rules everything, everything becomes a competition and holds us way back. We fear being fully seen by others because of our culture.

The natural consequence of an ultra capitalistic society is fathers competing with sons, mothers competing with daughters, not even fully aware that that is what is happening. And don’t get me started on the gender war, one fighting for continued control and dominion in order to “sustain itself” afraid of the female energy having any kind of power. That is the spirit of rape in this world. “Sit down, shut up, and let me fuck you” and then they will turn around and murder you. You can say “women just want the power men have!” But women, with the universe in our wombs, are naturally afraid of men’s “power” which is a false kind of power.

The spirit of evil is within in the man who crowns himself.

There’s an undercurrent in this country that says “I need to feel better than you. I need to feel like I am doing better or else I perceive myself as losing, I perceive you as winning, and I can’t handle that.”

Deep down, humans understand that we are weak because our bodies cannot live forever, so we feel like failures because of this. But once we realize that our dying bodies are NOT the end, and that our spirits go much further than we can even begin to imagine on this Earth, we are free in Christ!

The undercurrent of maddening fear is what happens when we build a foundation on slavery; the playing field has its way of equaling on its own, slowly but surely. God is just, just not in our timing.

Until people begin to truly wake up to and repent of the injustice that has plagued this country in the name of white, wealthy people’s comforts, we will be fated to war and war and war.

It just isn’t true that we aren’t responsible for the sins of our forefathers, we have been raised and programmed to perpetuate a system that does not protect people of color (especially women) unless they have a accumulated a lot of wealth, only then are they valuable because of their labor, and even then, they’re still not white, which is seen as most “valuable.”

America prides itself on Christian values yet constantly rejects the poor and down trodden.

Now that I have learned more about how this country is actually run and has been run for hundreds of years, I am struggling with my anger more, especially as a mother.

As a mother, my love for my child reaches past his present and into his future. And I don’t like what I see; it terrifies me. It fills me with sheer panic.

But God takes that panic and turns it into strength; I feel a drive like no other to protect Isaac and all children. I am determined to do ALL that I can in word and in deed to change things before he goes into that scary future. I honestly don’t care how it makes me look, I know first hand my friends, family, and most of my acquaintances don’t like what I’ve been posting on my social media. But even if it makes me super sad sometimes thinking of all the people who are talking smack about me behind my back lately, I truly can’t care for long because my mission feels greater and way more important.

Most of these people don’t see my mission, nor do they care.

That fact is disturbing to me, not because of me but because of my child, the children in my family, and my friends’ children: they are who I am doing everything for. And when I see people jumping feet first into the massive open grave that is full of bread and circuses, I want to shriek at the top of my lungs and tear my clothes.

Because when I look at anyone now I see my son Isaac in them. I remember his helplessness in his first months and I think of their own helplessness in their first months.

I think of how we come into this world with open hands and wide eyes, expecting our cups to be filled with love, not punishment.

We can’t worship our massive military, war demon country and not expect the spirit of violence and death to be waiting for us the moment we enter inside it.

Go ahead, with your free will, feed your children to the machine, but don’t be surprised when you inevitably realize that you sacrificed them for NOTHING. Not for God, not for humanity, NOTHING.

PERIOD.

+++

In 2024, I decided to use my social media to point out the injustices in corrupt America; it was no surprise that people didn’t like it because it made them feel frightened and convicted.

With all due respect: “Fuck your feelings” I have a child to raise and I simply want better for ALL children: the constant future of humanity.

I consider myself shouting into the void because when I have tried to explain myself countless times to people, especially my supposed “spiritual guides” and I have been met with nothing but blank stares and really stupid questions that prove that these people don’t really want to listen to what I have to say. Most people, especially people with a lot of money like to be lied to, to be told everything is okay and that nothing is wrong with the world and ultimately nothing is wrong with them.

Several people have tried to silence me: “but you’re doing all of this on social media which doesn’t matter,” “you’re chronically online," “you’re not going to reach anyone through a screen,” they say as they stare deeply into their own cellphone screens all day.

Hypocrites who say these things yet do nothing but use social media to fluff up their egos and soothe their pain with sweet, vapid distractions are not people I listen to for long; I am only mildly annoyed by them at this point. They judge with no intention of learning a different perspective.

I understand because I remember when I did that all the time.

Before becoming a mother, I too made a pretty good amount of money. I shit my money away because not only am I bad with money, but I am vain to the bone and yet also deeply insecure. Having beauty was never enough for me, it always needed to be more and more, and for what? For who? And WHY?

I know what people are spending their money on because I spent my money on all of that stuff too, and I know how unsatisfying it is first hand. And if I’m being completely honest, it was crushing my soul and filling me with a lot of shame. People weren’t really even impressed with all of the things I was accumulating with my money, they either couldn’t care less, were envious, or judgmental.

Because like I keep saying: capitalism breeds competition.

But part of my salvation is always having been someone who has had a special interest in children and childhood development; I have learned so much and healed so much of my childhood trauma even though I have many more mountains to climb before I am fully stable in my emotions. Also, having a partner as a teacher who invests a lot of time and money on consistent therapy and self-help is absolutely invaluable.

I also took some tests and realized I am on the autism spectrum, like a little higher than I expected… But it makes so much sense, especially looking back on how people have treated me for the entirety of my twenties. I think I saw it then too, but to protect myself I had to lie to myself and people please to the highest agree, even though some of you might wonder who exactly I was pleasing when I am a very loud bull in a china shop with weird political views and an uncomfy (for others) obsession with Jesus Christ.

Once you become an adult and have children, you have to acknowledge your shit and your pain and heal it. The healing happens even faster when you reach out and apologize for the harm you caused others.

We must fully feel our emotions and learn to use them to our advantage, or else we run the risk of creating even more scars on our soul and the souls of others, making ourselves sicker and sicker by running from ourselves.

We must integrate; bring both natures of ourselves together.

Because judgment day is deeply personal, if we go through life hurting people, don’t be surprised when someone eventually calls you out in order to stop your reign of terror.

We do one another extreme disservices by not keeping each other accountable, we are all one, connected on every level.

I love you.

We are one.

Let’s make a better world!